It's been a long
time, almost a year since I've sat down and written for the blog. If I'm going
to be honest with you, I have to tell you that it's been a really hard year.
Some of that is due to the results of my own choices, some of it because of the
choices of others. But what I can tell you today is that despite the struggles
of the last year, despite the ocean of tears I have cried, I have learned a lot
about myself and who I am. I can say that I am not the person I was a year ago
and I like the person I am today. It's
taken a lot for this person to get here, but I'm glad she's here. There are
people I would like to thank for the things they've taught me through various
situations, and maybe some day I'll get that opportunity. But over the last
year, I had decided, I was done with the blog. I didn't really feel like there
was anything I could say or wanted to say that would have an impact on anyone's
life. Until I sat down to do my bible study this evening and God began to place
this on my heart. And honestly, maybe I'm writing this more for myself than any
of you.
When I was young, I
struggled a lot with doubting my salvation. Had I really made that decision?
Was I really going to spend eternity in Heaven if I died? Had God really
changed my life? I don't know how many times I asked God those questions and
asked that if I hadn't made that decision he would save me right then. I wish I
could tell you that I had this huge life changing "ah-ha" moment when
everything changed. All I remember is
that after a week at one of the many church camps I went to growing up, I knew
that I knew. In that week, God reminded me that I knew him; that I had made the
decision to follow him at a young age, and I didn't have any need to doubt that
any longer.
The lessons I
learned that week would be lessons that would take me through middle school,
high school, college, and most of my early adult life. I can think of very few
times over the last 10-15 years that I doubted God's plans or His goodness. I
certainly didn't doubt my salvation any longer. But then 2015 happened and it
seemed that everything changed. The foundation I had built over all those
years, faithfully trusting God's plans and His goodness seemed to shift like a
house built on sand and I often wondered if I would make it out.
As life has unfolded
over the last year and I've walked through one situation after another, I have
cried out to God to show me His plans time and time again. I have questioned
whether He wanted me to take path A or B and if either of them were good. I have
questioned whether He could take the broken pieces I brought before Him and
ever redeem them. I am ashamed to tell you how many times I have asked Him over
the last year if He was even good, if He had forgotten about me, and why He
hadn't come through for me in certain situations.
Over the last year,
I don’t know the number of times my prayer has been, "I think this is your
will but…what if I'm wrong? What if I'm missing what you have here? What if I'm
seeking my own will and not yours? What if I'm misreading everything." It
seemed that I had once again become that girl that doubted who God was. I
didn't question my salvation, but I certainly questioned the goodness of God or
the plans that He had for me. I began to struggle with anxiety, depression, and
really felt like I was drowning in the situations before me. Somehow by God's
grace however, I kept clinging (if only with the weakest grasp) to what I knew,
and that was the fact that somewhere, below all the chaos, the confusion, the
hurt, the struggle, and the noise, I knew God. I knew that no matter what each
day brought or how hard of a struggle it was, I knew that I knew. I knew that
He was a good God and He would continue to walk with me, even in the hard
times.
Not much about the
situations of the last year have changed. As I write this tonight, there are
still a lot of things that I can't see and a lot of things that seem like
impossible situations to my human mind. But over the last week, as I have
diligently prayed for God to lead me in His will and to give me peace in those
situations, the doubt, the fear, the uncertainties have begun to fade. But
there are still moments when I find myself questioning the things I know. When
I wonder if maybe I am wrong; if maybe I'm seeking my will over His and if
everything that He's shown me I've misread. Even as I sat down for my bible
study tonight, I felt those questions on the surface, those doubts were once
again there and I asked God to show me, to give me a visible sign of the things
he had for me. And then I turned to John 14:7-10
"If you had
known Me, you would have known My Father also; from now on you know Him and
have seen Him." Philip said to him, "Lord show us the Father, and it
is enough for us." Jesus said to him, "Have I been so long with you,
and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the
Father; how can you say, 'Show us the Father' Do you not believe that I am in
the Father, and the Father is in Me? The words that I say to you I do not speak
on My own initiative but the Father abiding in Me does His works."
In those four
versus, I saw myself in Philip. How many times had I cried out that God would
"show me" His plans. Philip had been there, he had seen Jesus, he had
spent time with Him, he had known the works of His hands yet he asked Jesus for
more. In his own doubt, he asked for proof to see the one whom he should have
already known. It's a humbling moment to see your own doubt written on the
pages of scripture. How many times does God want to say "Katie, after all
this time don’t you know me by now?" And the truth is I do. I know who He
is, I know what His voice sounds like, and I know Him well enough to know His
plans for my life as He reveals them to me. I may not have all the pieces to
the puzzle and I may not know the outcomes of all the situations in my life
right now, but even when my eyes can't see, I know that I know. I know that I
can reach out my hand to the one that's always there and I know that He will
lead me.
For so long, I have
cried out to God asking him to show me, to give me visible proof in order to
trust and follow in faith. What I had forgotten however was that I already had
everything I needed to follow in faith, and that is Christ himself. I know Him.
I know the one what sacrificed His own life for mine. I know what His voice
sounds like and I know what His peace feels like when it washes over me. I
don't need visible proof of what I already know in order to follow.
Tonight I hope you
know that as well. Sometimes the roads are dark, the paths are rocky, and
sometimes life is just hard. Sometimes our eyes can't see where we're going or
what lies ahead, but I pray that you know the one who knows. Remember that He
is good. Remember that His plans are so much greater than anything we can even
comprehend. Remember that that when you know Him, you know the Father. Remember
that He is the God who makes the impossible possible and even when you can't
see, even when the clouds of doubt threaten to block your view, you know Him.
And He is a good God. When your eyes can't see, you don't need visible proof to
follow the one you already know.
