A Letter.

This post is another one of those posts that's extremely close to my heart. This is a post, that I honestly never thought that I would share with anyone. It's a letter that I wrote on April 21,2013 the day after my 24th birthday and at the end of a week packed full of highs and lows. It wasn't written to any specific person but is more of a reflection on the things that God had done in my life that week. I've shared it  only one time before, when I shared my testimony at the start of my youth girls Sunday night bible study. It's typically one of those things that stays tucked in a nightstand drawer only to be thought of every once in a while.

But here we are. Over the last several weeks, God has laid the letter on my heart and began gently leading me to share it here. So in keeping with my desire to be completely open and honest with each of you, I'm sharing it. The original letter has been edited slightly out of necessity but I can honestly say, the heart of the letter is the same as it was the day I wrote it back in 2013. I pray that in some way it blesses your heart.

April 21, 2013

"This became one of those weeks that changes you. Changes you for good. After it you can't go back to the way you were before because everything is different. I knew I had to write it all down because it's one of those times I never want to forget how God moved.

I have to start by going back to The Women of Joy (WOJ) conference in 2011. It was the first one of these conferences I had been at and it was a great experience. Sunday morning before the final speaker began, a woman come on to the stage and began talking about her son, who had recently been injured trying to break up a bar fight while he was off duty. He remained in the hospital in critical condition and was paralyzed from the neck down. What I remember about that day was collecting on offering for the man and his family, and praying for him and his recovery. Over the next several months/years,  I heard more and more about the man's recovery and had the opportunity to listen to him speak. In the fall of my last year of PT school, I had the opportunity to meet and get to know the man for a short period of time.  He was slowly beginning to walk again, down the hall, up a flight of stairs, (something they said they'd never do!) and I had the opportunity to watch this happen.  One Saturday morning, I was driving and saw the man's billboard about "Great comebacks." I had passed that billboard every day on the way to school but this particular day I was reminded of the awesome situation that only God could have orchestrated in my life. He had planned for me to hear about the man at a woman's conference and pray for him. He had then planned for me to actually get to know him and see his recovery a few years later. Never in a million years could I think of something so cool. That was something only God could do. As I thought about it, I decided that situation was my favorite reminder of God leading me to  a career in physical therapy, why he put me in this job and gave me this mission field of helping people on a daily basis.

Little did I know that Saturday morning how the week  coming would change my life in a matter of 24 hrs. On Sunday April 14, the man was involved in a car accident where he suffered multiple injuries. He suffered severe head trauma and passed away on Monday April 15th. In that moment after I learned the news of his passing, I experienced such anger and feelings of unfairness. While I only knew him for a very short time , my heart was so broken. How could God let that happen? How could he make this amazing comeback only to die this way? So Suddenly? How could that poor family experience such another tragedy? How could God let this happen?

A few hours after his death, I learned of bombings at the Boston marathon. I watched as the events unfolded in what appeared to be another terrorist attack on U.S. soil. I was so emotionally exhausted and discouraged by the days events, I thought I couldn't possibly take one more thing.

On Wednesday April 17th, while tornadoes swept through the state of OK, a plant explosion in West, TX destroyed a community, left numerous people dead, more wounded, and homes destroyed. And then in the midst of the night, my brother called to tell me that He and his girlfriend were having a baby. In that moment, I felt like my world crumbled and fell apart. As I sat on my bathroom floor while tornado sirens were going off outside, I was in what I felt to be the biggest emotional storm of my life. In my own brokenness, I again got angry with God at what appeared to be the unfairness of life.

And then as God so often does, he began to show me His power and His control in every situation of my life. You see, my horrible week was about to end in a birthday (that I was no longer excited about) and another WOJ conference. And that's where God began working. You see, I soon learned the theme for the weekend, Absolute surrender. Definitely not a coincidence. I know now that it was definitely God's hand. The first speaker told her own story about getting pregnant before she was married. And in my own pain and hurt, I thought, real cool God, but I still don't think any of this is fair.

Speaker after speaker spoke on God's sovereignty and his presence in EVERY situation of our lives, past, present, and future. They spoke to the fact that every situation in our life is Father filtered before it even comes to us. That knowing "why" doesn't make the pain any less. That sometimes we feel like the situations of life are more than we can handle because it points us back to the only one who can handle it, God himself.

In the midst of the day Saturday, I broke down as I knew the funeral for the man was happening across town. As I broke down to my mom and a friend about how unfair it was, my mom reminded me of 2 very important things- 1) The man was experiencing a new body. One that doesn't require a wheelchair. One that walks/runs and doesn't have a spinal cord injury or a brain injury because he had experienced ultimate healing. 2) God had brought the whole situation full circle for me. From praying for the man at WOJ in 2011, to mourning and praying for his family at WOJ in 2013 as they said goodbye across town. You see, in that moment I was reminded that God was there  just like he had always been. He had been there that day in 2011, he was there that day in 2013, and every day in between. He was still God. He was still on His throne, He was still working, and He hadn't forgotten about me.

And then as God so often does, He continued to prove himself again in one of those ways that only He can. When we got to WOJ Saturday morning, we immediately argued about which seats were better and where we should sit. We finally settled into the seats I had helped pick and little did I know how important those seats would be later in the day. Before the final speaker started, they began drawing names for door prizes. A lady named Sharon Salinas from Valley View, TX won. You see, Valley View is where my mom grew up and about 20 mins from my hometown. Sharon Salinas just happened to be the mom of my brother's girlfriend who we had just found out a few days earlier was having a baby with my brother. And in typical God fashion, she was sitting 3 rows in front of us.

As she got up to go collect her prize, my mom met her at the top of the stairs. These two women had never met but they were already bound together by a new life. We cried, we hugged, we laughed, and cried some more. And we prayed. We prayed for ourselves, our families, that sweet baby, my brother, and my future sister-in-law. And we took a picture together. A picture that we can show the baby someday and say, "Look what God did."

These two story lines in my life had nothing to do with each other until they collided in one of the toughest weeks of my life. But what I know now is that God used one to influence and soften the other. When my brother called , I was already hurting. I was already broken over the man's death, questioning God about how unfair His plans seemed. And in my pain that Monday night, God gave me two verses that I would again need that Wednesday night: Rev 21:4 and Isaiah 14:24.

" And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." -Rev 21:4

"The Lord of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it stand." - Isaiah 14:24

I began to experience that overwhelming peace in my heart to heal the hurt of both these situations. That peace that says, "My beautiful daughter, I know that in your human mind this seems unfair. I know It breaks your heart. Your heart that I made. Your heart that I hold in My hands. But I have you. I have been to each of these moments. I was there before the foundations of the world and I have this. I know its unfair but surrender all to Me and you will see My will in it. You will see that never once were either of these situations out of My control. In the valley, your faith truly grows. It means nothing on the mountain top. It's here with Me in the darkest valley that I want to grow you. But remember daughter, it is not dark to me. I am The Light and darkness cannot stand in My presence. It only appears dark to you by My purpose. I didn't design it so that you would be hurt or discouraged but I designed it that you might know My power. That you might see the Light and life only I can bring to every situation. You only need to trust, reach out, and take My healing hand. When it seems that only darkness surrounds you, know that I have gone through the pain and suffering and I am. I am the light in the darkness and I am offering fullness in My peace. This is the peace that no situation or person can take from you."

I know that the situation with the man is now over. It will be one that stays with me forever and changes who I am. I'll remember what I learned from it, who he was, and what I learned from him. But I also know that it led the way to the phone call from my brother. The story doesn't end here. I don't know what the next chapter will look like but I know God's going to keep teaching and I just want to keep learning. I know I wont walk the path alone because we serve a God who provides His grace for every step of the way. "

My prayer for each of you is that you would know The Light of life and that you would allow Him to shine over the darkness in your life right now. Whatever you're going through remember that He is there and that nothing about the situation is out of His control. He is not surprised by the happenings of your life but rather He is patiently waiting for you to take His hand, to trust His leading, and to allow Him to light the path. One thing I didn't mention in the letter was that Jeremy Camp performed at the conference back in 2013. That was another one of those God things. If you know anything about Jeremy's story you know that his first wife died of cancer shortly after they were married. She was 21. In the midst of her own sickness, Melissa Camp told Jeremy that if one person came to know Christ from hearing her story, it would be worth it. Shortly after Melissa's death Jeremy wrote the song I Still Believe at his parents home. I can only imagine the lives that God has used this song to change.  For me, the song holds so much more meaning after hearing it at the conference back in 2013 when I thought my world was falling apart. I hope that maybe now, it can bring healing to the darkest areas of your life.